Amazing Grace

12 Jun

If you know me, you know that I was raised Roman Catholic, went to catholic school until the 5th grade, and was confirmed against my will at 13.

Sometime between ages 9 – 11 I realized that I was not a Christian. When I told my family I was forced to continue to go to CCD (Sunday school, but not on Sundays) and was confirmed event though I expressed my wish to not be confirmed to my parents, CCD teacher, and priest.

My mother finally apologized a few years ago for making me go through with it and I feel like I have made my peace with that.

When I was in catholic school I sang in the church choir on Sundays and attended mass with my school on Wednesdays. For years I went to mass twice a week. 

It’s been well over 10 years since I’ve been to church regularly and I recently realized how ingrained the mass was in me when I attended a catholic funeral complete with a full mass. I remembered the entire mass word for word including all the words to the songs that I sang so many years ago at school.

It’s always a bit awkward now to go to church, I know all the priests lines, I know the congregations reply’s, I know all the prayers, but I feel like a traitor if I participate because they are not my own beliefs and convictions. So I sit quietly, I bow my head when I need to and I use the time to reflect on my own beliefs. But the songs get me every time.

As we were filing out of the pews the other day the final song was “Here I am lord” a song I have always loved. As I sang a caught the eye of a tearful mourner as she walked past and she smiled and winked at me. I’m glad I could help ease her pain.

“Here I am lord” may be meant for followers of the Christian faith but I see my own beliefs and truths in it, and although not all the lines are to my liking I find the song oddly comforting and all encompassing of the faiths that are and have been mine. Now if I can only do something about that pesky Catholic Conscience.


Here I am Lord

I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard my people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin,
My hand will save.

Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.

I, who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear my light to them?
Whom shall I send?


I, the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people’s pain.
I have wept for love of them.
They turn away.


I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my words to them.
Whom shall I send?


I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will send the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them.
My hand will save.


Finest bread I will provide,
‘Til their hearts be satisfied.
I will give my life to them.
Whom shall I send?


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Posted by on June 12, 2009 in Uncategorized


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